Raleigh

I will be moving to you as soon as possible.

Blake Lively

please go out with me; i love you.

Sexting

i totally missed out by going to high school a decade ago; i mean, instead of not having real sexual relations, i could have not been receiving jerkoff material while i sat isolated in my room playing incalculable amounts of Tecmo Super Bowl and wondering why girls didn't talk to me.

Sharpie pens

my love for them is unfaltering.

Dear McDonald's,

no matter what your commercial says, i know your breakfast sandwich is made from some bizarre alien mix of microwaved food products, and, frankly, i'm okay with that; therefore, please stop trying to tell me you make real food.

It's Always Sunny

by far, the greatest show on television.

moustaches - is that spelled right? i don't think so. ohwell.

they are always a good idea.

Star Wars - any of them

i just don't get why people like these movies, and, no, that is not an offer to have some s-dub geek go bonkers, blow a nut, and try to tell me about their supposed greatness; i don't want to hear it.

Radiohead

i still don't like them.

Amber Heard

she is hot, and she is in Zombieland, which equals awesome.

Semi-Pro

i know this movie is retarded, but i still laugh, and i refuse to allow you to judge me for it.

one of those Binder and Binder commercials

someone please explain to me why the dude is wearing an indiana jones hat; i mean, seriously, what the fuck?

300 - you know, the highly homoerotic goreporn action flick

no matter what anyone says, i will watch this every time it is on television.

The Strangers

i've seen this movie a bunch of times, and, frankly, it still scares the shit out of me.

commercials for Extenze pills

Please stop.

Brand New's latest album, Daisy

i'm glad to hear they continue to evolve, and jesse lacey still has my vote for celebrity who should become my best friend, but i would rather listen to the devil and god are raging inside of me.

Lions for Lambs - i think that's the title, robert redford directs, tom cruise yells, etc.

if i wasn't such an apathetic, cynical, and irony laden youth, i might be moved by this overbloated and overwrought spectacle attempting to appeal to moral sensibilities.

Sex Drive - from 2008, i think, starring no one and the dude with glasses creeps me out

this thing is total crap, but the dude in the donut costume getting maced is funny.